Dating!
by Legal - Assasin 101
Summary: -Crack fic- Jervis decides that Jonathan needs a girlfriend. So what would any loyal friend do? Sign them up for Lava Life, of course!


_**Dating?!**_

_A/N: I started this a long time ago, and I just recently found it again while I was cleaning out my old files XD_

**Disclaimer:**___I don't own Jonathan, Jervis, and the Joker. I do own Sadie, Kyle, and Calie though. …I also don't own Lava Life XDD_

"Jervis, what the hell are you doing?" Jonathan asked, walking into the living room. Jervis was seated on one of the moth worn couches, a newly stolen Laptop open on his legs.

"Nothing much…" He said.

"Fine then," Jonathan mumbled, "Why are you on my computer?"

"I thought this was _our_ computer…" he whined, "You need to learn how to share things."

"It's useless talking to you." He mumbled, turning back around to leave.

"Wait!" Jervis cried, "I've discovered something to make your life better!"

Jonathan paused.

"…I'm listening…" Jervis smiled.

"Come see." Jonathan sighed, walking over and sitting down on the couch. Jervis' face suddenly became very serious.

"Jonathan. Listen to me, okay? This is important…" He sighed, weighing his words. "You need a girlfriend."

"WHAT?!" Jonathan cried, jumping off the couch. Jervis laid a hand on his arm, coaxing Jonathan back down.

"It's true! You'd be _so_ much happier, trust me, I know." Jervis and his girlfriend (Who shall remain Un named) had been going out for the past month and the whole world had basically been sunshine and tea cups for him ever since.

"I found this site…" He continued, handing Jonathan the Laptop. "It's called Lava life. It's supposed to help people find love." He sighed. "Isn't that romantic?"

"Yeah. Whatever."

"Oh please, don't be so upset Jonathan. I've already made your account for you so you can start right now." Jonathan's eyes traced up to the top bar of the web page:

_Johnnyboy~65118 – Sign out – Inbox – Chat-_

His eyes widened.

"Johnnyboy?!?!" He cried, glaring daggers at Jervis, who just smiled.

"Endearing, isn't it?"

While Jonathan was struggling not to vomit, he noticed the last part of his name.

"What are the numbers for?" He asked.

"Oh. They correspond with a letter of the alphabet. It spells 'Fear' I thought you might like that."

"Hm…Not bad…"

Just as he said that, an instant message popped up, beeping obnoxiously.

"What the hell?" Jonathan said quietly. Jervis sighed.

"It's an IM, someone's saying hello to you."

"But…I don't even know this person! That's so creepy!"

"Just type something back."

_SillySadie _Says:

Hi there sexii ;)

"…What the hell do I type?!"

"Just give me the computer." Jonathan sighed, handing the laptop back over to the smaller man.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hello.

_SillySadie _Says:

How are you?

"What's the point of this?"

"Oh, hush up, Jonathan."

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

I'm just fine, Sadie, how are you?

_SillySadie_ Says:

Im just peachy thx for asking :)

"Peachy?"

"Just go along with it. Would you like the computer back now?" Jonathan shrugged and placed the laptop back on his legs.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

That's nice. So, what brings you to this website?

_SillySadie_ Says:

You know, looking for Mr. Right. My boyfriend and I broke up after I caught him with some random slut he works with so here I am. But its ok, he was an asshole anyway…

Jonathan just stared.

"She does know that she's telling this to a complete stranger, doesn't she?" He asked, shocked at her forward manner of speech.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hm. Too bad. I'm sorry but I can't quite relate to you about that.

_SillySadie_ Says:

Why not? Never had a girlfriend before? ;)

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

No.

_SillySadie_ Says:

O____O 40 years old and never had a girlfriend. Saaad.

"Forty?!" Jonathan cried, "Where on earth did she get _that _idea?!"

"That's not your age? That's what I put on your profile..."

"I'M NOT EVEN THIRTY-TWO YET, YOU IDIOT!" He yelled, "Stop making me look so un-cool"

"You don't need _me_ to do that for you…" Jervis mumbled.

"What was that, Jervis?" Jonathan asked, slowly reaching for the capsule of fear toxin in his belt.

"I said that you're a wonderful addition to the scientific community and I'm proud to be eclipsed by the shadow of your greatness…" He mumbled, scowling.

"That's better."

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Actually Sadie, I'm only thirty-one.

_SillySadie_ Says:

That's still sad.

Jonathan closed the conversation window, scowling.

"Stupid pretentious bitch.."

"Easy there, she has a point you know."

"…Shut up."

Just then, another IM window popped up.

_Joe Kerr _Says:

Nice name fag

Jonathan and Jervis exchanged nervous glances.

"Is that… Who I think it is…?"

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

…Same to you, my friend. More importantly though, what exactly are you doing on this site? I thought Dr. Harleen had her teeth set on you…

_Joe Kerr _Says:

Who, Harley? Yeah I'm pretty much done in thanks to her but I go on this site mostly to tell poor idiotic saps like you that you'll never find love. It's fun!

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

You really are an evil, evil man. Do you know that?

_Joe Kerr _Says:

Yup :) Anyway, give up. No one on here loves you, you'll be alone for the rest of your life, yadda, yadda, yadda. Now I gotta go, talking to a loser like you makes my brain hurt.

_Joe Kerr has left the conversation._

"Okay… What the hell just happened?"

"I have no idea, Jonathan, I honestly don't."

Jonathan sighed.

"I've still yet to talk to anyone of interest.." He mumbled.

"Relax. These things take time. Honest."

Just then, another IM box appeared. Jonathan sighed and clicked it.

_Kyle Bousman 101 Says:_

Hey there ;)

_Silence._

"Is Kyle not a male name?" Jonathan asked, Jervis nodded.

"Maybe he just wants to be friends..?"

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hello.

_Kyle Bousman 101 Says:_

Nice display pic

Jonathan looked to the side of the chat box, it was a picture of him when he was still a professor. How exactly Jervis got a hold of that picture was a mystery to him.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Thank you.

_Kyle Bousman 101 Says:_

U got cam?

"What the hell does that mean?!"

"He wants to know if you have a webcam on your computer."

"Do I?"

Jervis sighed.

"Do you see the camera above your screen?"

"Yes."

"That's your webcam."

"Oh."

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Yes I do. Why?

_Kyle Bousman 101 Says:_

Kool. U got nudes?

"Jervis…Is he asking me for pornography…??"

"No…" Jervis said slowly, "He's asking if you have any nude pictures of yourself."

_Silence._

".HELL?!" He paused. "Jervis?"

"Erm.. Yes?"

"What did you put my sexual orientation as?"

"Open minded."

"Why?" He asked, his tone so calm it made Jervis cringe.

"I didn't know exactly so.."

"Jervis?"

He whimpered in response.

"DO I LOOK GAY?!"

Jervis opened his mouth slightly.

"Answer that and so help me god I will break every bone in your body."

He closed his mouth.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

…No. I'm not gay. Sorry..

_Kyle Bousman 101 Says:_

Oh.. Alright then.

_Kyle Bousman has left the conversation._

Both men sat in silence for a few moments.

"Lets… Just pretend that never happened… Okay?"

Jervis nodded.

Both men groaned in exasperation when a new IM box appeared ye again.

_Calie Says: _

…Hello.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hello.

There was a long pause.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hello?

_Calie _Says_: _

Oh sorry. I was just looking at your profile –Blush-

Jervis tilted his head and smiled.

"I think we've got one here…"

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

No, that's perfectly alright. How are you?

_Calie _Says_: _

Fine. You?

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

I'm fine. Now tell me, what brings you to this site? And please don't say it's an unfaithful boyfriend…

_Calie _Says_: _

LOL ^^ No, my stupid friend made this account for me, said it would make my life sooo much better.

Jonathan glanced over at Jervis and smiled.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Surprisingly enough, that's exactly my situation.

_Calie _Says_: _

Really?

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Honestly.

_Calie _Says_: _

Lol. That's odd. So.. Um… What's your favorite color?

"Why would she ask something so juvenile?"

"She's just trying to make conversation, Jonathan, its natural."

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Hmm. Black (Although considering the fact that it's really not a color at all..) Orange... Red..

_Calie _Says_: _

Halloween colors?

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Well… I suppose.

_Calie _Says_: _

Awesome. Halloween is my favorite holiday EVER

Jonathan's breath hitched.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Really? I adore Halloween. You could say it's almost my profession.

_Calie _Says_: _

And what's your profession, exactly?

"….Jervis! Help me out!"

"Tell her you work at a haunted house."

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

I work at a haunted house (Tediously boring, I know)

_Calie _Says_: _

Hey, that's cool, my job's not much better.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

And what do _you_ do?

_Calie _Says_: _

I work at a book store. Lame, huh?

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Not at all! I love books dearly. Tell me, what's your favorite?

_Calie _Says_: _

Hmmm. I'd have to say anything by Edgar Allan Poe.

Right about now, Jonathan was close to hyperventilation.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Honestly and truly? You're not jesting?

_Calie _Says_: _

Ha ha, I take it you're a fan as well?

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

Oh very much, Miss.

Jonathan sighed.

"Oh Jervis! She's perfect!" He said, clasping his hands together. "I should say something…"

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

You're a very interesting woman, do you know that?

_Calie _Says_: _

Really? Thanks!

Jonathan took a deep breath.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

I was wondering if perhaps sometime you'd care to join me on a date?

_Calie _Says_: _

Oh. Oh dear. You didn't read my profile.. did you..?

As this was being read, Jervis did the smart thing and slowly backed out of the room.

_Johnnyboy~65118_ Says:

No.. I didn't.. Why?

_Calie _Says_: _

My friend doesn't know this... But I'm actually a lesbian.. I just had to talk to a guy while she was in the room so she wouldn't suspect anything. I'm sorry…

Jonathan's eye twitched.

Once.

Twice.

By the third twitch, the laptop had been reduced to a mass of sparking wires and twisted, broken metal.

Hiding safely in his room upstairs, Jervis smiled as he listened to Jonathan's tantrum.

_Oh well…_ He thought, _at least this gives us a reason to go computer shopping again…_

END

Authors Notes:

Fun fact: I started this story before I made wasted breath, and originally, 'Calie' was actually named Katherine. But considering her orientation and job in this fic compared to WB, I obviously had to change her a little bit.


End file.
